Numb

I've heard it all before. I know. "She's in a better place." And, "This is all a part of a master plan." "Life is but a dream". I got it. I got it!!! It all basically says that it's a natural part of life. I guess we should just accept it, right? That's it? I get it. Here's the thing. It's all just bullshit because she's never going to bloody hug me again. We'll never wink at each other when we're doing something naughty. God didn't have a special plan for her, she was in a car accident. That's all.

Hell of a movie...
I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't think I'll publish this one, Idk. I'm having a hard time seeing the point of anything lately. What does it matter? Why should I care? Is this what millennials call "depression"? I just feel angry. And sad. Way too sad. And way too angry.

We all grieve differently. So what I'm gonna say next might not work for everyone, but it might for you. Or it might help you understand someone who's doing those things as a coping mechanism.

There are two things I've found out to actually help me trough this time, well, three. But the 3rd one is way too obvious. The first one, cooking. Gosh, is this a thing? it has to be a thing! Cooking is freaking therapeutic, guys!!! Idk what it is, but it is. You just feel better. Sure enough, yesterday I made food for the whole week, but hey, it was the best mood I've been in days. Plus, I was starting to get kinda slim, I could use some extra kilos. (Let the hate come!)

The second, work. Odd, I know. I think it's all about keeping your mind occupied in something else rather than reminding yourself of the days when you used to carry her as a baby. See? That bloody hurt. Sure enough, it's not a time to hang with coworkers and people in general, but doing something else, maybe a personal project, or freelancing, if, like me, that's what you do. I've gotten a lot of work done. It's not a cure, but it helps. I mean, I can't just cry all day long, not again, I mean.

The last thing I do, and I know that I do it. It's shutting down. I'm not there for anyone or anything other than me, unless it's something that's gonna help me with the other 2 things I'm doing. Today, and it's already 9pm, I've spoken 6 words, total. "One coke and a tea, please". Manners first. That's it. I just don't feel like it. Why would I? What can someone probably say that's important to me right now? Selfish, I know. But, to be fair I'm always selfish. And if you got a problem with me being extra selfish after my 20 years old cousin died, then you can go bloody fuck yourself. And no, not sorry.

In short, if what you have to say is nothing short of how to bring someone back to life, or travel back in time. I'm not interested. I just wanna be alone. I hate the world. The world that took her from me. And I think that's fine. I've been here before, after all. I can't believe I have to go trough this again, really. It's not fair.

Remember that perfect line by Frodo in The Return of the King? The one that goes:

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... There is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.. That have taken hold.”

I figured 8 years ago what it meant. I understood it. I get that it's not what's around you that changes, it's not the ones that are gone. It's you who changes. It is I. 8 years ago I changed, and for too long I tried to be who I was. Then I realised I wasn't that guy anymore. This time, I guess I'll change again, it makes only sense. What will happen this time? It certainly hasn't been any easier than the first...

Who am I? What am I supposed to do? It's all darkness now.