January 20, 2017

On Losing and the Open Ended Nature of Maybe

There is a lot of cursing in this post, and for that I apologise.



There are a couple things you might not know about me, but are hardly a secret. I'm not always a nice person, I don't even know if I'm a good person, but I am fucking honest. My only real addiction in life is having fun. I get bored easily, and I could do just about everything in order not to be bored. My life is a game, or rather a random collection of games, and just as it happens with regular games, you either win, or you lose. Oh, also, my beard is multicoloured, not that it matters in this post, I just like pointing that out.

In order to explain my situation without compromising any sensitive information, let's pretend I'm in a Quidditch match. (If you don't know what that is, I suggest you stick your muggle nose in the Harry Potter books). As you know, the game doesn't end until the Golden Snitch is caught, and I'm the Seeker. Let's fast forward a couple minutes and my team is losing by a wide margin, the Snitch is nowhere to be found, and I'm pretty sure my teammates were randomly picked from a group of students who failed flying lessons. I'm absolutely fucked.

Losing. I've always found a disturbing pleasure in being defeated, but only under the right circumstances only when I've done my best, and still failed. Think about that particular moment when you know it's over, when everything went to hell and all the effort becomes pointless. Are you there? Stop and think about it. When hope finally dies, that's the moment. A lot of people describe it as a void, an emptiness, but there's no void, it's not empty, it's being replaced by a burst of pure rage, but you must allow yourself to feel it, do not conceal it, embrace that shit. Realize the hard truth, if you gave it your best shot and you still failed, then it simply wasn't meant to be. Properly use that rage to move past it, and onto the next game, because there's always a new game to play. All win streaks start after a lose.

The problem comes when you know you could have done better, because you might lie to yourself saying that if only you had, things would've ended up differently. There's no way of telling what would've happened had you done something different, that's why you should always do your best, so there's no regret.

Let's go back to the Quidditch match. We're having our asses handed over to us, which is never a good feeling. Failure is, undeniably, the most likely outcome. After all, if the score difference grows much bigger, even catching the Snitch won't give us a victory. I don't have a lot of time left. The other team is playing their advantage. I refuse to lose, I could have done so much better, it pisses me off! I saw the Snitch a couple times and missed it, this one is on me. I'm taking all chances when I next lay my eyes on that Golden Snitch, I need one shot, that's it. I still have some aces under my sleeves, but doubt starts to grow in my mind, like a parasite feeding on my fears, devouring the ever lasting light of hope. I'm not afraid of failing, I always believe in me. I'm afraid winning might not be worth it. Maybe it's just wiser to surrender, hell, it seems a lot easier.

Maybe. This is one of my least favorite words in the language. I like things that are certain, like maths. I have an utter distaste for open ended things, for they cloud your judgement. If you go play a game thinking "maybe I'll win", you're almost guaranteed to lose. You need to know that you will win. If you feel like maybe you should quit something, then you probably should, cause your mind is already set on failing.

Overcoming our fears is the challenge of our lives. My demons are many, but I know their names and I've seen their faces. That only comes with knowing yourself. I was writing this post to see if I could come up with a decision whether or not to go for the Golden Snitch again. The real question then is, why do I want to win? If the reasons are good enough, then it's worth it. Cold logic.

The value of any given thing is based on the easiness of obtaining it. The rarer something is, the higher the price. If you are not sure about the worth of something, simply look at how many people want it.

Plus, you know, bragging rights.

Ok, here I go...

In the words of my Lord Illidan,
"Sometimes the hand of fate must be forced".

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